Do you know what I mean when I say I have been on an emotional roller coaster the past several weeks? The valleys filled with anticipation, worry and crisis-oriented actions. The peaks with Godly outcomes, orchestration and revelations.
Trouble is I do not like amusement rides anymore. I am now the sunglass and hat holder while my husband and two growing boys willingly tie their stomachs in knots.
But here I am, at His will, not mine. I much preferred the cocoon I had created with my Savior each morning, before anyone awoke. My walk with Jesus had become predictable, safe and 100% spiritually filling.
We knew my husband’s surgery was coming……we scheduled to get in line for that ride. Then those unexpected twists and turns not visible from the straightaway ejected us from our comfort zone.
Three emergency room visits in two weeks. More than either of us had ever done in a lifetime. It is hard to keep a routine, even a Godly one, when life-threatening symptoms repeatedly erupt. It is hard to settle once you return home, filled with the what if’s. What if we didn’t get there in time? What if we decided to stay home and monitor the condition ourselves?
‘What if’ is the language of the enemy, the one who needles at you with insecurity and doubt and fear to erode your trust in your Creator.
The Author of our Faith does not falter, does not forsake or leave us. Jesus assures us, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (NLT Matthew 28:20). A thread of comfort weaved by Our Lord had given me the strength to take care of my husband who was struggling to recover from an outpatient surgery due to the complications. God arranged compassionate providers, accurate tests which led to correct diagnoses, and the opportunity for us to be thankful to Him.
Upon the third time in the emergency room, somehow I lost my way. The uphill climb of uncertainty descended into an alluring sense of all will be OK. Nothing showed signs of stroke or heart attack, they said. Probably side effects of the medicine. That sounded like a guess to me. I am supposed to feel relief when the ride is over. Instead, I felt depleted and shaky, missing my anchor. Nonetheless, my husband was released to home, so we made our way through the parking lot.
Where had my faithful Jesus gone, who was giving answers and holding our hands?
Like a glass threatening to spill because of its fullness, my mouth opened and fear came tumbling out. Fear that my husband was still not OK. Fear that unpredictability is our ‘new norm’. Fear that I cannot continue to be the strong one. I was not mad at him, but it seemed that way.
I faltered, longing for the eternal security I glean from Scripture and the love I feel in prayer time with the Lord.
God watched and listened to our exchange in the parking lot. He allowed both my husband and me to rest and recharge that night. The next day we were blessed with two dinners: one bought by friends and a homemade dinner for another night delivered by yet another friend.
Grace happens whether we deserve it or not. It is God’s way of showing us there will be a way out of the mess. He promises.
“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most” (NLT Hebrews 4:16).
Have you had times when God graced you, even though you had faltered? I would love to hear from you. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org. I will be back at this blog next Wednesday with more Jesus to share. May He bless you when you most need it.