I simply have not been numb much at all since I stopped drinking. Numb is like after the rubbing alcohol evaporates off the wound. A distinct absence of heart strings. Silence in your soul. Numb is mute but usually with lots to share.
How does one become numb when they are in Christ, their blessed Savior?
Just after 3am last night, I tried to pray. No words were attached to my weak attempts to focus on God. As I ministered to myself, reminding myself Holy Spirit is praying for me, I allowed the enemy’s whispers to torture me with WHY’s.
Why can’t you pray? You’re such a faithful servant, and you can’t pray?
Have you ever been so numb you could not stir up anger at your fleshless enemy?
Numbness is temporary, thank you Jesus.
Today, I accompanied our Jackson to a four-hour appointment at Hershey Medical Center today. We saw 5 different providers at their IBD clinic. Except Jackson does not have IBD. He has Crohn’s disease, chronic, lifelong, and more severe than we thought.
As words fell out in bunches from the medical doctor’s mouth, tears welled up in my eyes. I felt intense heat around my nostrils and bottom eye lids. After numb prayers in the dark hour of 3am, this surge of feeling surprised me. These new medicines are called biologics. She used many other medical terms I was unable to process. When I tried to ask her to repeat herself, I broke down.
Isn’t that just like God to break through numbness right there in an appointment?
These more powerful, injectible and infusable medicines, avalanched my dry, unjoyful heart. I kept seeing an image of Jackson with his arm on the arm of a chair hosting an iv, just as I have seen chemo patients do.
Jackson did not like I was crying. It made him nervous, first to think I would say no to a better medicine, and secondly to wonder why the drama over what sounded like help to him.
Muttering in the midst of my wet paper facemask, “It’s just a lot to take in, Jackson.”
I had to strain to stop the tears, you know when you squeeze your eyes tightly in hopes the stream gets blocked.
It just wasn’t the time, or was it?
The One who breaks open the way will go up before them; they will break through the gate and go out. Their King will pass through before them, the Lord at their head. (Micah 2:13).
Jesus makes a way because He is the Way. Through numbness, through anxiety, even through tears. We don’t always see our deliverance as freedom because we are looking for rescue uniquely crafted by our own ideas.
I did not not want to hear about more potent meds, not when I had prayed and believed for God’s healing inside and out in my son’s body. I did not want to hear the word colon cancer one more time. Doctors must tell you the risks. Just because of Jackson’s diagnosis, he is more likely to get colon cancer.
When Jesus rose from the dead, He silenced every risk factor, real and imagined. Nothing can separate us from Him when we are forever in His presence, now and for eternity.
That image again, Jackson in a chair with an IV in his arm … except this time I sensed Jackson is there placed by God.
God goes before Jackson and this treatment. He will oversee, direct, minister, and protect this young man He created.
I wavered between numb and thankful, where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. He was with us in that room for four hours, even if I could be likened to a dying fish at some moments … flippy, determined to not do as the fisherman wants to do.
On the way home, Jackson asked if I was ok. I was able to articulate a response, “Jackson, I am trying to be thankful to God for these stronger medicines because they are designed to help you. I just was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. I wish you didn’t have to go through this.”
Jackson agreed, “This is stupid (Becoming one of his favorite phrases). There’s no cause or reason I should have it.”
“We all have something. We just need to trust God that this medicine is His answer for you.”
Yes, Lord, I see how the infusable medicine could bring Jackson to play basketball, giving him more peace and less symptoms. Please may it be so, Lord. Deliver Jackson from daily worries of things out of his control. Deliver all of us from the evil one, who tempts and discourages and deceives. For You are our King of Kings, Jesus, who will pass through before us, and You are the Head of the Church, of which we are a part. Help us to praise You in the numbness, in the worry, for Your ways which are not our ways. Thank You for Your goodness In Jesus Name, Amen
Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war; my fingers for battle. He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues people’s under me (Psalm 144:1-2).
As Jackson’s mom, I struggle to be his rock. I am so thankful the Lord reminded me that is not my job. I was able to reinforce for Jackson feelings are ok, having them is ok, sharing them is ok. Not sure how those words fell on a fourteen-year old troubled heart, but praise God! Jackson came into say goodnight and asked me to pray. We read Micah 2:13, and imagined Jackson breaking through the “gate” and going out on the basketball court.
Thank you for joining me. I know we each have a story. Jackson’s story is far from over, I pray. No matter what, I need to model for Jackson that we praise and trust the One who knows all things and whom writes our names in the Book of Life.
A sister in Christ texted a prayer: “We love You and cherish Your faithfulness, even when it hurts, even when we don’t understand, even when all we can do is groan, Lord”
Thank you to all who have prayed and will pray for us. If you need prayer for yourself or someone you love, please email me at email@example.com. Prayer requests are kept confidential.
May God bless each of you who read this next hour.
In His love and for His glory,