I can only make such a bold statement because of my belief in Jesus.
For countless, unbelieving years, darkness was my prison.
Oh, I tried to manufacture light by faking a smile, pretending I was ok.
Darkness is real.
So is Jesus.
Until I knew my Lord and Savior, I wished I had the courage to take my own life, to end the suffering with no name that took residence in my heart and soul. In the depth of the sleepless nights, I worried about being able to do one more day. Why bother? I will just end up in the dirt with the worms, like my mom.
But this agony ended when I was given this thought: I loved Jack, my brother. I could not leave him, as our mom had done by dying of cancer.
Can God, His Son Jesus and His Living Spirit work in hearts who don’t believe Him?
Look no further than the Pharoah in the Old Testament. Despite coming plagues, Pharoah refused to listen to Moses and his brother. Pharoah did not worship God, but this Scripture shows us God maintains sovereignty and life-altering power of all, whether they believe in Him or not.
But the Lord hardened Pharoah’s heart and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the Lord had said to Moses (Exodus 9:2).
I do attribute the turning of my focus from death to life, for reasons of not leaving my brother, to God.
For He knew then the plans He had for me.
For He knows now the plans He has for you (Jeremiah 29:11).
Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12).
The sad part about my life is that, though I continued to live physically, I was dead spiritually. I pushed and strained in my own strength to create happiness.
For example, when I graduated from my Master’s program, my brother and I were supposed to take a cross country trip by car. He could only get a week or so off from his job, so we flew together to Arizona. We rocked the canyon. Hiked all the way to the bottom in one day and hiked all the way back up the next.
Yeah, we were spry but also really ill-prepared. From there, we rented a car and drove to San Diego. We gorged on beautiful scenery, local foods. The odd thing was I chose to stay in San Diego after Jack left. I was determined to enjoy more of the time I had off. Being alone in a far-away unfamiliar city is not the wisest move for someone prone to depression and loneliness.
Trying to find my OWN way in this hard life, I was like a measly, teeth-y, tail-y hamster, running round and round on that annoying, plastic, ticking wheel. Never finding joy while I chased happy “times”. Never meeting Our Living Hope because I was convinced there was no good God.
My life s–ked.
While many of us walk in lives, in seasons that are incredibly difficult, still I maintain No depression is without hope.
God kept me safe and breathing until the day when I would open the Scriptures and read about His Son.
His truth, His love, His mercy, His peace, His wisdom.
But most of all His atoning sacrifice.
That Jesus took my shame, my unbelief, my pain, my unforgiveness to my mom, my darkness, where I had become hopeless and comfortable.
Jesus died so I didn’t have to be held accountable for the penalty of my sins AND that I could be lifted from the pit.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40:2).
Jesus ushered me into His amazing light, but it wasn’t sudden like flashes of lightening. Rather, first Jesus crawled right into the pit, there in the mess of my unhealed, broken, depression. That I received Him, that I allowed His presence to surround me. Oh how I lay in my bed several weeks of afternoons before our boys got home from school.
Then, super slowly, Jesus lifted my head so that I could drink His eyes of compassion. There is light in His eyes, for He is light. Like a child with a casted leg, I limped out of the dark with He who is light by my side.
Jesus lives because He rose again on the the third day.
Jesus breathes hope into all who love Him, even some who don’t.
I rest now, knowing my life is literally in His hands.
For His hands created me, rescued me, changed me.
I rest now, knowing I cannot create hope because Hope is Jesus Christ Himself.
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day, you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in Me and I am in you (John 14:18-20).
Thank you for being here with me. Those of you who follow me on social media know I have been posting various statistics and sharing some testimony about suicide this week.
In two days, I will join a team to walk the Out of Darkness Walk at City Island in Harrisburg, PA.
This life or death cause is near and dear to my heart.
If you would like to pray with me that God draw the hurting and broken near to Himself, thank you.
If you are local or far away and have participated in a walk sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention before, thank you.
If you want to sponsor me to walk Saturday, thank you.
All donations go directly to AFSP via their website. This link should take you directly to my Out of Darkness Page:
Questions? Comments? Prayer needs?
I am here.
Have a beautiful day in the Lord.
P.S. All photos in this post are from Pixabay.com.